the artist in waiting

what else do you do when you're at school but not in school?

2009-01-24T17:15:00.001-08:00

There's this urge i have every now and then, kind of like an itch at the back of your neck right where your shirt pulls at your neck hair. it starts out small and either tolerable, or your just decide that you're man or woman enough to ignore it and move on with life. but it just keeps pulling at you and agravating the skin, making you first shift your shoulders, then contort your neck, then you pull at your shirt from the front. that failing, you reach up and press down on the entire back-of-neck-collar area with the palm of your hand and give it a firm circular rub. the itch goes away for a while and you think you're victorious! you move on with life and decide to breath a sigh of relief. but just when you expand your chest to draw in a deep breath of God's life-giving air, the sudden change in body posture pulls at the shirt, connected to the collar which has once again gotten entangled in a stray rebellious neck-hair and that one single hair is pulled, it's arector pili muscle strained beyond its limit, the adjacent epidermal layer aggravated and suddenly you feel pain. at that point, there is little to do but rip off one's shirt and howl like and angry banshee.
What the #%&* is a banshee anyway?
Said itch, also known as the urge, being cast as a shirt, is now being indulged. i am blogging. woot. and for lack of anything more profound to say with no time to be mindful or ponderous, and being away from the comforts of my own upper room, i've decided to follow the format set by other cool folk among my facebook friends and doll out 25 random facts about myself.
i am rhys, your charming, innappropriate, idealistically cynical friend. these...are my facts.
current facts too. there will be no history in this blog.
1. my favorite radio stations lately have been KUFO, Z100, and 107.5
2. I decided to follow the tv series Friday Night Lights and Battlestar Galactica...these are in addition to HEROES and LOST.
3. My body is slowly losing the capacity to comfortably process animal products. Fish and eggs and cheese are still ok and when i have cereal, i prefer rice milk.
4. I no longer own my own car, but I do have a nice UNIVEGA road bike, and lots of the time, i take the MAX anyway.
5. Next time i sit down with it, I will be working on chapter 8 of my book, a story which has been swimming in my head for over five years now.
6. my goal is to bench my weight by the end of the conventional school year. i am about 35 pounds away from said goal.
7. i don't like the cold. i don't like the snow. i like wind, but not when it's below freezing. i can handle months and months and months of gloomy clouds and experience...mmm...minimal depressive side effects, but after a week of below-freezing temperatures, my entire person is drained of nearly all will to live. this statement has been dramatized to generate sympathy.
8. i recently went to my first theatre audition. it was with imago theatre and i was delighted to get a call back. nothing yet has come out of it, but i will know more within the week.
9. speed dials on my phone...2-my wife, 3-nics, 4-krispin, 5-andy vogt, 6-adina, 7-jairus, 8-bentley, 9-danny lemay, 10-JT, 11-Seth.
10. my first presidential vote was for Obama.
11. i currently have no piercings or tattoos and do not smoke.
12. i do not own an ipod of my own.
13. last movie i saw in theaters was Bride Wars. Last book i completed was A Storm of Swords. I don't remember the last song i heard on the radio and the one in my head now i don't know the name of, nor do i really like it. Last music compilation i listened to at home though was 30 Seconds to Mars, self-titled album.
14. i don't like squash in any variation...except small bits of zuchinni in a stir fry.
15. i would rather go without food than go without sleep.
16. i must confess...i get easily bored at church.
17. Lately all i drink at work is espresso and iced tea.
18. i don't usually like shopping unless i can spend money. (this will make sense to some people)
19. i've come to really appreciate more modern art, ie those artists and mediums which utilize all types of materials and/or objects to communicate ideas both concrete and abstract in creative, surprising, and shocking ways. my recent favorite is in the Seattle Art Museum. http://www.prostamerika.com/images/SeattleAttractions/SAM/SomeOne200.png hopefully this link works...it's this massive jacket of chain mail made entirely of dog tags...when you walk up to it, you can see your own reflection in it.
20. The first song on Linkin Park's Minutes to Midnight album is the first song which i started singing to myself on some occasion and did not censor the profanity.
21. lately my favorite restaurant is Dragonfish.
22. last good friends i got to see in person were Jairus, Aletha, Juriah, and Yoshi.
23. i still have never seen Dumb and Dumber, Forest Gump, or Castaway. these films are not necessarily related in any way, they are just the first ones i could think of.
24. at the moment i have full scruff and a pseudo faux-hawk...
25. favorite characters on my favorite shows are...Sawyer, Riggins, Parkman, Starbuck, Niles, and Kyle. 1,000 cool points and a hug to anyone who can match all the characters to their show. :)

and...

2008-11-03T16:22:00.000-08:00

twenty-five years i've done what i was told.

i've been good.

i've done safe.

and what have i got to show for it?

ten years i am torn in two. i am speaking of my sexuality. my faith says to do one thing and my body cries out to do another.

why am i still fighting?

why do i let myself be torn?

once i used to dream.

once i aspired to great things. or to at least be more than ordinary.

why do i still dream?

dreams only crash and burn.

i always run.

i always hide.

i always find a way to escape.

irgo the books. the shows. the fantasies.

i've done everything i was told and done everything right...why am i still so lonely?

all i want is to belong to something that matters...

this is a response that i don't want to lose

2008-07-26T09:38:00.001-07:00

Why a note? Why not a conversation? Well, several reasons. First, I can think better when I’m alone. I can better articulate my thoughts and make sure what I have said is exactly what I wanted to say. Secondly, I feel bold enough to speak now. Thirdly, if I don’t articulate my thoughts in some way now, they will swim in my head all day which is very emotionally painful for me. Also, after having angry thoughts swimming in my head all day, I am still angry at the end of the day. This way, I will have said what I feel early in the morning. By the time I see you tonight, I will have cooled down and am less likely to still be angry with you.

My expectation though is that we will speak face to face when we are both home from work. I don’t really want to get in the habit of arguing in writing.

Last night you said that we together needed to learn new things to talk about, or that we together should get a divorce…or that I alone should get over my insecurities. I said that I was willing to get over my insecurities, but asked you what you were going to change. you said that love would never ask such a thing. again, I disagree. part of love is not letting the other person continue in a dangerous or unhealthy behavior or thought pattern.

for instance, I point out that you are bitter…implication being that you are bitter and it is bleeding all over the rest of your life and your loved ones, tainting everything like bleach on a black shirt. I point it out for the purpose of saying that this cannot be allowed to continue unchecked.

true…I didn’t actually say all this…I probably should have.

also true, this is a mutual thing. I have bitterness in my heart as well…which you have pointed out…and are welcome to point out. this is a function of love.

This is also why I would not let you touch me last night. You unloaded some serious shit on me last night. I’m telling the truth when I say I’m glad you shared and I’m glad I got to listen in a way that made you feel listened too. And I heard and mulled over what you said. But on the flipside, my entire person is now bruised.

This is why I didn’t believe you when you said you weren’t angry with me. Last night I couldn’t understand how you could leave me emotionally bloody and bruised and not be angry. This morning, I remembered what I myself have said about how anger works…there is tension and build up and finally a release of some sort, at which time the anger has run its course. Like when I threw cups at Krema. Unfortunately for us, in that situation and last night, by the time one of us gets our angry release, they have already caused collateral damage in the other person. So then I cannot allow you to quickly move on and act as if nothing happened. Perhaps last night you spoke in the heat of emotion and were being irrational…that has happened before…and perhaps you will come to me later and apologize for your irrational words. At that point, your apology is accepted and forgiveness can happen. but you still said the words. you are still responsible for the wounds I have today. you may not quickly move on.

There is another unhealthy pattern that I see us both taking part in. I acknowledge that I can only share my perception because I am not in your head. My perception is that you are free to say anything you like, display any emotion you like, complain about anything about me or anything I do whenever you like, and my expected response is to stand there and take it. any type of resistance on my part is received as being mean or not listening. Conversely, I perceive that I am not free to say what I am thinking, not free to display the emotions I am feeling, and not free to complain about things you do or things about you. I perceive this because when I do, your responses are ambiguous to me. They range from rejecting to what I say, to mutely ignoring what I say, to sometimes apologetically agreeing with me…and I never know what to expect.

So now this is the part that I don’t expect you to read, but I still need to write. I need to process a few of the things you said outside my head or else they will fester in me all day. You don’t have to read anymore.

First of all, the movie last night. I am not responsible for what Charlie and Amber or Rob and Amber do, nor am i to blame when they don’t show up for something they said they would.

Also about the movie last night. I have a favor to ask of you. Please remember not to put me on the spot and ask me to make a decision I’m not ready for and don’t have time to process. And if you do, then remember not to resent me for my decision later.

Also about the movie last night. If it’s something you’ve been looking forward to all week, then please say something sooner than Sandy and Burnside so that I’m not stuck having unwittingly deprived my wife of something she wanted and now being unable to make it right. That’s manipulation.

Also about the movie last night. I was fine with going, but you were the one who suggested going home as an alternative.

Secondly about birth control. You expressed frustration with spending $10 a month on birth control when we don’t have sex. Well…historically our sex life hinges largely on whether you are in the mood for it or not. Sometimes neither of us has mood or time…and there is the rare occasion when I’m not in the mood when you are. But there have been so many nights when I have fallen asleep crying inside because we are prevented from having sex yet again by…whatever it was that night. Anyway, my point is this; please remember that I want to have sex with you.

And finally about where we live. You don’t like it because it’s far from your city. I feel very frustrated to hear you say this because you picked this spot. You wanted this apartment complex. Please remember not to blame me for this one.

----------------
Now playing: Nickel Creek - Best Of Luck
via FoxyTunes

Lent. Days 1-2

2008-02-07T14:55:00.001-08:00

February 6, 2008
Chronicles of Lent
I’ve never observed Lent before. Truthfully, I’m not exactly sure what it’s all about. I think it has Catholic origins…
Anyway, I thought it would be healthy to journal through forty days of purposeful abstention, just in case I learn something.
So then, for LENT 2008, I, Michael Rhys Pasimio, have chosen to give up caffeine in the forms of coffee and chai.
The first day hasn’t been so hard…but then perhaps the chemical hasn’t been thoroughly purged from my system yet. Tomorrow will probably not be fun.
Why give something up? Why abstain? Why go through the process of disciplining one’s body and/or mind?
I think what I don’t want to do, is to abstain legalistically or meaninglessly. I don’t want this to just be a random 40 day stunt that I pull in which I torture my body and possibly by consequence, the beloved people around me.
Is there a purpose to the discipline?
So then I’ve decided to take it one step farther and commit the experience to the Lord. I choose to abstain from coffee and chai as an offering to Him because I love Him.
Enter, the spiritual warfare aspect of it all.
The next 39 days may not be so easy…

Thought question of the day: would you rather have people speak badly of you, or forget about you entirely?

February 7, 2008
Day 2 of Lent.
Day 2 without coffee or chai, however I do allow myself whatever caffeine may be in certain teas.
I also heard that yerba mate has a lot of caffeine in it…which surprised me….but then maybe I should have known this…
I did not get my full dosage of sleep last night…and I got up before 3:00 am…I suppose a benefit of all this is that I am forced to A) rely on the Lord to hold me up, B) take better care of myself, or C), do both.
Work went pretty smoothly. I work at Starbucks and, for Starbucks, my store is pretty nice. It’s smaller and slower and has more of a coffee shop feel then another appendage of a green empire…
Towards then end though I started getting really hungry, which doesn’t always happen. I will usually feel weak or nauseous…then I will drink a lot of something and feel better. Today, I actually felt hunger. My peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the way home was really good…
I also had my first headache today…but it was after I got home and was reading my bible and praying that my head started hurting.

How do I live as one who is forgiven? This is something I’ve been asking myself for a week or so now. I’m just starting to really understand who I am, and just starting to understand what it means for Christ to be my identity…but that’s where I’m stumped now because I wonder…what next? How does that actually affect my life?
Why am I timid around people who love me? This is another question that I’m starting to articulate…because I realize that I’m surrounded by people who love me so thoroughly…and a lot of people who like me a lot…and yet I have difficulty unconditionally accepting what is unconditionally given. Why is this?
I’m excited for LOST tonight…
Excited to work on HEBREWS this afternoon…
I get to see Bentley tomorrow… My challenge then will be to remember that he’s just about an adult now, and I have to relate to him differently then when I left him three years ago.

I opened up a discussion in lab about shaping events, and it quickly went much deeper than I imagined it would…I don’t think in a negative way…but I was surprised how open the students were about their lives and broken parts. I felt very honored…

And now I’m going to meet someone at starbucks, but not drink coffee. That will be fun. Maybe I’ll eat a scone or something…

pangs of dreams

2007-12-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

today i am one class day away from completing my second to last semester at multnomah.
i'm tired...i'm bored...
i'm eager to be married in the summer. i'm eager to settle into something resembling a routine...
the tentative plan is for tawn to go to grad school for a teaching degree, then for me to go to grad school, also for a teaching degree. it's a good plan, one i'm willing to do, and i'd probably enjoy it.
i don't really want to be a teacher.
i mean i do...i mean i could do it and it woudl be satisfying and enriching...and it would be stable income...
...but i really want to be a performer. i'm an artist and i want to engage with an art form. probably some mixture of writing and painting and photography and theatre. i really want to try theatre and acting.
i want to perform. i don't know how to do this skillfully or safely, but this is the passion that i have thus far neglected.
a couple months ago, i was talking with Stan, the new head of the MBC music department. i wanted to lead a worship team next semester. when he asked me why, i told him honestly that i wanted to hone my performance gifts. and he seemed moderately ok with that...
...but worship music is not the appropriate setting for performance. worship music is abou tgiving an offering to Jesus. the artists invloved should be skillful so as not to be distracting...but that skill should be muted and in the background, also so as not to be distracting.
i've gotten to do worship music before, and i have lately tried very hard to squelch the performer in me. giving an offering to the Lord and facilitating an offering by the people has been hugely satisfying.
...i still want to perform in another setting.
Lord, i don't know what to do with this. i don't want to foolishly hold on to a foolish dream, and i don't want to run down a road that won't lead me to You...
...but i don't know that You're holding me back from this. what if You made me for artistic expression?
i just don't know. i want to take a risk and try some of this stuff, beyond what i'm doing now...what do You say?

dream

2007-10-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

i saw my son for the first time last night.
i saw my son in a dream.
first as an infant cradled in her hands. then as a very young child standing with his face to the corner. then as a kid of ten or so...
it was my son! what a beautiful thing! i woke up with an excitement unlike any i've ever known, determined to make the marriage between me and Tawn work out, no matter what.
i speak in presumption for it will be the Lord who works and without Whom all our efforts are wasted. what i mean to say is that whatever my part in the whole adventure is, i will invest in it fully.
one of my best friends told me in an e-mail last night that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend...this news as well left me with an uncanny sense of excitement.
in a week, i'll be at the airport, pacing or something, waiting for my flight to leave, my first flight out of the country, the continent, even the hemisphere. i feel a surreal excitement because it's my first time...someday i hope to travel enough so that it's exciting, but in a normal sort of way.

patterns of growth

2007-09-18T08:40:00.001-07:00

Thoughts and patterns for me to keep in mind…

I don’t need to compare myself to other guys.
I don’t need to compare me and Tawn to other couples.
I can be who I am because who I am is ok.
God made me unique, God made me good enough.
I can like what I like.

My opinion is valid.
My unique self is good enough.
I can stand up for myself. I don’t have to play defensively.

I am grown up. I am a man. I am a unique man and that is ok.

I am not in competition with anyone.
Mistakes are not terminal.
I can take as much time as I need to learn what I need to learn because I’m not competing with anyone.

Conflict is not bad…though it can be messy work.
I can be angry. I must express my anger, but must do it cautiously because it’s easy to hurt people with my anger.
God values people, therefore I ought to show them mercy…which He will help me to do.

I don’t need to help everyone.
I can’t help everyone.

My center is Christ. This encapsulates identity, confidence, and security.
I am a priest.
I am skillfully created in His image, to reflect His image.
God’s Spirit inhabits me, one of His temples.
I always have liberty to speak with God.
I can speak with authority.
I can engage with God in my own unique way.

I do not have to live in the past.
I can say good-bye.

Artistic expression is valid, legitimate, and important.
My art ought not be compared with the art of others.

I am safe to feel my feelings with Tawn.
I am safe to express myself to her.
Her emotions are hers and mine are mine. They are separate and can be different.
I must validate her experiences and opinions.
I must put her needs first.
Tanya is a person, not a prize. She is also uniquely created in the image of God to reflect His image and ought not be compared with other unique creations.

Touch is not bad…just potent.
I am not afraid of my sexuality.
I can learn.
I can change.
I can allow myself to be wrong.
I can apologize and reconcile with people.

I need God.
I need people.

Be quick to bless the Lord, especially in the midst of chaos. This doesn’t resolve circumstances, but it does put me in a proper relationship with the Lord. He enables me to survive the situation without being crushed.

Us.

2007-08-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

my stomach is churning. my mind is foggy. my whole body feels heavy as lead. everything around me is blurring because suddenly none of it matters.
i am afraid.
you are at the center of my thoughts. you. me. you and me. our hopes for a life together and the long road we must travel, the many obstacles we must face.
today i feel frustrated. desperate, uncomfortable...uncertain...wondering if i made a mistake. i dread that thought, the thought of me being wrong about us. i dread what that would do to you, how it would crush you. i confess i dread the shame i would feel...
how did i get here?
well, do you remember friday afternoon when i asked you about life goals? you asked me where that question came from and i gave you only a half-convicning answer. i promise that's all i could think of at the time, because sometimes i don't think clearly in actual conversation. since then, i've established a clear answer.
i asked about your goals, because i've been thinking about mine. i have certain hopes for my future...things i want to do, places i want to see...i'd like to paint. play the piano and maybe write songs. i'd like to learn spanish better. i'd like to write a book...of some sort. i still have a fascination with theatre; if it would be safe for me, i might like to be in a play. i want to travel and see tunisia, turkana, the philippines, greece, japan... i think i want to teach someday, maybe in a school, or maybe in a church. much as i've had some bad experiences in the church, there's a part of me that still hopes to live and work in some sort of pastoral role. or...there's always coffee...maybe the starbucks corporate ladder...maybe something independant...once we talked about starting a coffeeshop in another country...and i really liked the idea! i think i'd like to know if you're serious about that, or if it was just pleasant speculation.
perhaps you're asking, "so what?"
well...i know that i'm no longer making plans for just my life. we're planning ot get married, at which time our lives will be forever intertwined, moving together. before i madly puruse any of my goals, i feel like i need to know your goals, so that we can start coordinating them. i want to know if we want to go in vaguely the same direction, or if the things we really want to do will silently tear us apart. that's why i like speculating about the future...and actually i'm getting tired of speculating; i want to actually start acting...but i'm not acting alone, and i need to know where you're at, and where you someday hope to be. and if the only place you want to be is by my side...then...i need to hear that...
i suspect we'll have many long conversations about next steps...even if we can only clearly see one step ahead...
but what if the Lord puts me in church ministry again? what if i become a teacher? what if i become a starbucks manager who volunteers in church ministry? what if i start a mentoring program for high risk kids through The Well? these are the types of things i want to do, and they center around people, and they're really time consuming.
Ah, time...now, here it is. my anxiety for today. You receive love through quality time. I'm a people person. I suppose we'll clarify what these things look like in person, but for now, i'm afraid that we will always frustrate each other. i will always need to be actively involved with people--even just a few people--and you will always need more time with me. And perhaps things will change...school will end...life will become simple(...maybe?) and you can become involved with the same people with me...but i don't know. and i'm nervous. nervous, wondering if you will ask me to give up things i love for you and not knowing if i'll be able to. nervous, because this is at least the second time you've brought this up, and i vividly remember the last time and since then, have been working really hard to give you more time and include you more in my life...and yet when we last talked about quality time, i heard you saying that it wasn't enough. and that frightens me, especially two weeks before school starts, because i don't know how much is enough.
i love you and i consider your needs valuable and worth every effort. for me though, time may be the hardest thing for me to give to you, because i think i will always have "people work" on the fringe. i fear the frustration i will cause you.
but again...i want to know what your goals are, and what type of lifestyle you want to have. we've spculated about it before, but tell me again, so that we can plan together, as teammates and partners do. what if we did something together? did "people work" together? started a church together? started a coffee shop in tunisia together? worked at a school together? planted a farm together? started an orphanage in kenya together? something. anything. i don't know...all i know is that i don't want to be married and living completely separate lives, each infringing on and draining the other. i want to share more than a house, a bed, and kids. i want to share passions and goals and dreams and ideas and pursuits!
something i have prayed for regarding us is a common passion. that we may come to care about the same people or country or world issue(like human trafficking or homeless kids or something).
i suppose i want to know more accurately what you mean by quality time.
i suppose i want to know where you want to go in life so i can support you.
i suppose i want you to know where i want to go so you can support me(which you already do)
i suppose what i really want is for both of us to go in the same direction, pursue the same thing, work as a team in the same place...
and i know i don't want to hurt you or frustrate you more then can be helped. i know we'll hurt each other...and we'll communicate and reconcile...but single event hurts are different than chronic frustrations, and perhaps harder to resolve. wherever i go, i want you with me...not in my shadow trailing behind.

in dreams, good-bye

2007-08-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

this is the dream i dreamed while sleeping in the downstairs office at the ridge.
i dreamed of my house, the house where i grew up in medford, for in the dream it WAS my house, not just my parent's house where i lived.
i was speeding home in my truck, pulling up in front of the lawn just as my parents were walking by. we exchanged greetings. happy greetings, for we were all happy. dad was home on a lunch break and so was i. he took mom on a walk and i hurried inside.
i had rushed home because on that day at lunch, we had kids over from campus life for lunch. i had arrived late on this day and didn't get much food, but i didn't care. i was delighted to see people.
as i was standing outside eating, the group looked up to see casey kostol...the recurring prodigal. he looked healthy and clean shaven, as if he'd been doing really well again. Cassie ran up to him and hugged him, barely beating me there. then it was my turn and i took him in a full embrace. a long one.
"Dude, it's soo good to see you!" he exclaimed. then he went off about how he'd heard Pete's story and how it had really impacted him. and then i think pete was there with shahala...or maybe it was brooke with his new wife elizabeth...
then i awoke.

there was definately a high dream component to it, real and convincing as it seemed. it was very much how i always wanted my house to be, but was rarely able.
these sort of things will probably never take place at that particular house, but i still pray that casey will come back to the Lord and stay this time.
i appreciate this dream...as a means of saying good-bye to the house where i grew up and which my parents just left. i pray they're all right...

i woke up this morning at the ridge...inside is quiet. outside is quiet. the weather reminds me intensely of Bandon...specificaly Lake Bradley...another place where i have a lot of memory...

galadriel

2007-06-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

the world is changing. i can feel it in the earth in the air
Girl K and i used to close at starbucks every thursday and friday night. due to an angerstorm of mine in late november, we had a stretch of four or five months where we couldn't talk and it was misery to work with her. secretly we hated the situation, but it took the prompting of the store manager for me to finally confront the situation...at which point she responded well and willingly and then we were friends again. she's a Christian too...so it was a doubly good thing...no longer was there a schism in the west hollywood starbucks portion of the Body. today we shared a conversation which would have been impossible four months ago where she allowed herself a vulnerable moment with me, sharing about how work has become hard and scary because all her friends at work are planning to leave. she wants to leave too. it's because of the new manager...the entire store has been disequilibrated. Girl C, Girl A, Girl F, Girl R, and probably Girl M are all planning to leave within the next six months...i grin to myself...i'd miss them all, but a part of me ponders the hypothetical situaiton of me and Andrew getting promoted a couple of times each and taking over the store... in october i'll have been there a year. i wonder if any of the original crew will still be there at that point...
meanwhile on the far east side in the shadow of mt. hood, a change is set up at the boy's home. Man J told me today that he's going to "pursue other careers." i think it's a good move. i've enjoyed his friendship...but he doesn't get along with any of the boys...and he's got a ton of emotional and relational stuff going on in the rest of his life...a different job would probably be better... i could take his job...pick up more shifts here...make this my income... ...but it's a hard and draining line of work...i don't think i'm emotionally set up for it. and before i get back into the habit of "helping people," there's healing that must needs take place in my life... ...further...in three months, my house family will completely transform as my current flatmates move out and others move in...
...oddly enough...i'm not really frightened...praise Jesus!

a quarter century of existentialism

2007-06-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

June 11, 2007
A membership at 24 Hour Fitness had evoked a variety of thoughts and feelings in his mind. Not the least of which was fear.
He’d expected to be intimidated by his peers; men who were athletic and comfortable with themselves, with others, and with the gym and locker room environment. to his surprise, he felt more fear in response to the old men…
…again specimens of masculinity…
…shriveled…
...bloated…
…missing…
…sagging…
trudging along at an awkwardly painfully slow pace, clinging to any last remnant of health and youthful vigor that they could scrounge up…
…many of them were fat…
…many of the old men would never be healthy again…
…they were doing a right thing in excercising(?) but that didn’t change the fact that they were still dying.
As he swam amidst the elderly and fat men and women, Rhys was prompted to think about death.
no, not death. growing old.
His Christian theology definitively provided the living and eternal and incorruptible hope of heaven immediately after death…dying would be no problem. Rather, Rhys was beginning to fear the long wearisome road leading up to that glorious departure.
He dreaded being an old man…
Much of the time, being an old man seemed far away and completely detatched from his life. He was young and fairly healthy, able to move easily…he sometimes even had a hard time thinking of himself as a man and not an overgrown boy…
…but in less then thirteen months, he would have been alive for a quarter of a century. The average lifespan described in the Psalms being 80 years, be was already over a quarter of the way through his time on earth.
he found the thought depressing.
“I spend the first quarter of my life figuring out how the world works, what’s out there for me to do, who I am, what I value…optimally all this is done in the first quarter…oh yes, and I get broken in various ways that I will struggle with for the rest of my life…
…then I spend the next quarter of my life recovering from the first quarter…
…hopefully by then I’ll be able to have something established with which to enjoy the third quarter…
…and then patiently and painfully endure the final quarter before dying and going to be with Jesus. Blessed be the Lord.”
The voice inside his head was so cynical. He hated it.
One quarter out of four? I guess it could be worse…
Shut up!
Working at Starbucks had evoked similar feelings. The clientele vividly demonstrated a materialistic type of existentialism. He saw people come in every day that were utterly miserable, lonely, angry, but wanting to be happy or secure anyway they could. And if the only way was to rudely demand a perfect drink…so it went.
He wondered about the point of life? He fretted over how he was living his. Life was cruising by at a relentless pace and he wasn’t ready for it yet. He half expected to struggle and learn and develop and work and finally figure things out just in time to be old…
He found the thought depressing.
How many times had he heard that life was short?
Now he was realizing that youth was shorter…
“I still think life has purpose…but only because I’m a Christian and I have heaven…and I still don’t know exactly what that means.
…the challenge then is that life is short…
…what do I do with a short life?”
He didn’t want to be a materialist…always working to obtain the next new possession, technology, or toy…
He didn’t want to be a hedonist…devoting all effort to the satiating of appetites for food and sex and glory…
He didn’t want to be a cynic…
he didn’t want to be in school forever…
he didn’t want to be a therapy addict…
he didn’t want to be a manifestation of corporate America…this was dangled some distance away from him at starbucks. if he wanted to work hard enough, he could probably climb the corporate ladder, become a manager someday, live for the green apron, settle into Portland, and be very comfortable.
he found that thought stifling and sickly sweet like so much dulce de leche syrup.
As much as he didn’t want to become assimilated into the Starbucks persona, he saw that that was exactly was was happening to him slowly by slowly. He consistently spent more waking hours at starbucks then anywhere else…except for with Tanya…but certainly more than at church, with his friends, or pursuing any sort of art form…his lifestyle and personality were slowly being molded by default simply because of where he happened to be.
No.
He didn’t want to be shaped by Starbucks! He wanted to spend more time at church or with his friends! His life was terribly short; he wanted to choose how it was shaped!
…well…he wanted the Lord to shape his life…
…but that still meant that he didn’t want Starbucks to shape him!
“Oi!”
So then he began to appreciate the theology of Ecclesiastes. Life is short and unpredictable; therefore obey the Lord and enjoy creation! Center life around the Lord and have a party!
Maybe Andrew was right. maybe I take things to seriously…
“I shall become a Christian existentialist!” he exclaimed boldly.
“…maybe…”

kindly burdensome

2007-06-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

in the end, he left work early, saying he wasn't feeling well.
"sick to my stomach," he said. to which his manager debbie responded with a sympathetic, "aww..."
what he did not specify was that the sickness was highly emotional in origin, having nothing to do wiht his stomach. more like an oppresive weight on his chest that threatened to bring tears every time he had to smile and greet customers. he felt like his heart had been broken.

...a few hours earlier...

the right moment finally presented itself where no one was in the store bu rhys and christina. she began to share a concern with him about him. she made it clear she wasn't talkign to him as a shift supervisor to a barista, but as a sister in Christ to a brother in Christ.
"i was talking to matthew(the new transfer) about how he's gay and all that and he asked, 'is rhys gay?' and i said 'no' but then rachel said, 'well we all think his is. you're the only one who doesn't and that's just because he's a christian and you can't accept that a christian can be gay'."
Christian stopped for a breath. then plunged forward.
"so i dunno how they get that impression. i guess you made some comments to andrew..."
at this rhys' hear dropped...he knew exactly the momen in question...the second time he'd invitied andrew hiking...becuase andrew presented himself as a lonely and searchign individual who had some needs that rhys could somewhat meet. so then rhys had reached out to him the only way he knew how...as if andrew were a friend. apparently though, friendship was misunderstood.
"...and so i stood up and supported you 100%...
...and to them, it's not a problem if you're gay because they don't see how wrong it is..."
...first and foremost, we're brother and sister in Christ..."
and so it went. she asked how he was. he said he was encouaged that she'd stand up for him. it was a kind enough and vague enough answer to cauterizet he conversation. they moved on with the coffee.
inside he felt sick.
the majority of his co-workers thought he ws gay...he hadn't been able to hide it. they could pick up on his secrets carelessly betrayed. oddly enough though, this wasn't the worst blow. he'd been perceived as gay before...it wasn't new..
but andrew thought he was gay. the greatest loss of all because now he would surely never respond to rhys' offer of genuine friendship. love had been offered only to be butchered with the knife of misunderstanding.
christina was absolutely sure he was not gay--and possibly emily adn stephanie, the other two christians are the store--but only because in her paradigm, christians were NOT gay.
rhys was caught in the middle. attracted to guys but hating it and fighting it. andrew sure that he was, christian sure that he cold not be. andrew being more right, but christina being the one he needed to side with.
he would have to hide. he couldn't be himself or safely have hi struggles with the christians...or witht he pagans... In at least one more micro culture, the image of Christianity and the expectations of its members for each other was taking priority over reality and broken people. all the while, he felt like he was living a lie.
once again, he found that he was safest and most unconditionally accepted by the pagans who had no absolute morals but their own and no ultimate purpose for which to live.
what would it be like, he wondered, to have no secrets? to just come out with it? to come out and say, "yes, i'm gay AND a Christian and i'm a real person!"
perhaps such a statement would destroy him.
perhaps he would never know true freedom...
he would stay quietly in the image assigned to him.

craving

2007-06-04T15:33:00.000-07:00

i've had a craving to post something to stay connected with the world.
alas, profundity escapes me.
not that nothing profound has been happening...the difficulty is sorting through the myriad of mini-revelations and moment by moment epiphanies that happen in the most ordinary of moments. my challenge is that most of this treasures are dropped in my lap when my hands are full...
...making a double tall latte...
...blending a frappuchino...
...warming a rediculously absurd reduced-fat turkey bacon sandwich...
(am i detecting a theme?)
...driving...
...sleeping...
...swimming at the gym...
..."working" at the boy's home...
...churching...
...coffee with friends...
surprisingly little television. which is a good thing.
but i wanted to post. mostly because i like to talk. and sometimes the easiest thing to talk about is me.
today i received three assignments back from school.
i passed a vacational interview.
i scored a 7/10 on my colossians paper...my big idea statement was too long. :(
i scored a 13/20 on my last student ministry reflection. i poured my bloody heart out on paper in reflection of my entire student ministry experience, but it wasn't what was asked for. so now my offering feels like shit.
for a complete change in train of thought, the summer so far has been punctuated with many delightful moments.
...cleaning my house...
...cleaning my house with seth...
...cooking in my house...
....having church in my house...
...opening at starbucks...
i'm not being sarcastic here. yes, getting up at 3:00 am is a chore, but once i get going, i absolutely love the mornings! i love watching the sun come up. i love feeling so fresh...
anyway. i've been on the computer for 17 minutes, and my danny has been waiting for me for at least 14 of those. i must leave.
i will return.
hopefully with more to say.
peace.

to be content

2007-05-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

Concerning contentment
dissatisfied with here.
dissatisfied now.
preferring fantasy or memory or emotional moments in books and movies to what I’m doing now.
I don’t always know how to be here…or now. perhaps this is a dimension of contentment I never realized. contentment is talked about in terms of abundance and need. what if it also included remembering a past time of abundance or anticipating a time of need? what if needs include more than money and food but intimacy. security. purpose. perhaps to be content is to look at what I have as enough and look at this moment and this place as valuable. how much money or food or security of intimacy do I really have? how much do I enjoy or value the present moment?
I would like to value the present moment. I would like to be satisfied. but maybe I must choose to value the moment before it becomes satisfying. so then I would like to value the “now.” the “here.” the amount I have. the emotional resources afforded to me. I wouldlike a sharp and alert mentality that is completely functional wherever I am.
so then…the choice is with me? what support do I have to effect yet another change in though pattern? Lord? are You involved here and now with me?
to say that I don’t like where I am or that I don’t like what I have is to say to God, “What You have done is not good!” or…”not good enough!” it seems very closely related to anger. very much like not trusting God.
So then, Lord…where are we? have I ever truly loved You like I ought? have I ever truly trusted You?

One of my prayers of late has been, “Lord, give me something to write about.” “please.” perhaps I should pray with some courtesy.
different things have presented themselves. I love the fantasy genre. I love telling people’s stories. I have been infatuated with the writing style of Yann Martel and Don Miller…but again, to lose myself in a fantasy world of my own creation could be to say that the real world God has created is not good enough…and that I would rather play the role of God in my own life by creating my own worlds…
so then I thought to write other people’s stories. which I may still do, but the Lord challenged me in this. I can just as easily lose myself in other people’s stories and give no value to my own. this could be saying that the work the Lord has done in my life is meaningless. this is hard to think about…I don’t really want to spend more time on myself…I grow weary of myself. but I also don’t really know how to value myself and still take myself seriously. maybe in telling my story, I could learn to value myself…and in doing so really be valuing what the Lord has done in me…maybe I could be reflecting Him…glorifying Him…or at least be grateful to Him for not letting me be destroyed.
so then…I want to take a collection of powerful memories and put them in story form…

a reflection

2007-05-15T09:44:00.001-07:00

What is ministry?
I have now completed the requirements of the Student Ministry curriculum. I have ministered for five school semesters and one summer. I have been a part of two different youth groups, a boy’s home, and taught a Bible Study Methods lab. I have had five mentors.
Over the course of this journey I have questioned God, I have questioned the Bible, and I have sharply criticized the church. I have chafed under the concept of obligatory ministry, but at the same time, probably been saved by it.
What is ministry?
My entire paradigm for what ministry is has been shredded and reshaped. Before, when I was a young, naïve, idealistic, super spiritual boy of 20 volunteering in two youth groups in Medford, I thought ministry was the best job a person could have. I thought that the truly spiritual people had ministry jobs and the lie that I believed was that if I wanted to be spiritual, I had to be in ministry.
At one time, I thought that ministry was centered in the church. Dimly, in one part of my mind, I acknowledged that ministry happened as a lifestyle, but practically speaking, it would always lead back to something that happened at church.
My early ministry endeavors focused entirely on the subject’s behavior. If they weren’t acting spiritual, then I criticized or shushed them.
Ministry figures were perfect. Or very close. They had to be. I had to be.
What is ministry?
Enter disequilibration.
What happened to change my perspective? Was it the myriad of new personalities and personal theologies? Perhaps it was being severely wounded by a personal hero in the ministry. Or maybe it was when I was actually ministered to. And then of course there was the issue of my own struggles coming back to haunt me. Not to mention contributions from the Multnomah professors and “non-spiritual” saints who were students with me. I realized that the old model of ministry didn’t work. So I had to change.
What is ministry?
I can now look back on a cumulative total of 29 months of relearning how to walk. I still limp, and I don’t have all the answers. But I see more.
I see Jesus. I don’t always hear from Him, but I see more of who He really is and what He really values.
I see people. I see how Jesus values people. I see how Jesus unconditionally loves people. I see how people live in real life, and desperately need unconditional love in real life.
I see the church. I see something beautiful and scarred, something mighty but hindered. I see what the world hates when the church fails, and I see what reflects Christ when the church succeeds. I have experienced both.
What is ministry? What is my role in life as a Christian? Life in the church? Life as a man?
Ministry is just a word. An overused, badly stigmatized word. There is a concept present though, a way of life which demands participation. Ministry is life. Ministry is love. Ministry is reflecting Christ in real life to people who need love. Ministry is singing a worship song from the audience. Ministry is hugging a friends who’s stressing out. Ministry is picking up a stranded pagan co-worker when their bike breaks down. Ministry is taking knives away from a friend who’s cutting. Ministry is having coffee with a person week after week and learning who they are. Ministry is treating a sex offender like a human being. Ministry is learning to be a man who can lead a wife and care for a family. Ministry is making people ask hard questions about what they believe. Ministry is sitting still and saying, “Lord, it’s just you and me.” Ministry happens all day. Ministry is the Spirit of God in me touching the Spirit of God in the rest of the Body. Ministry is community. Ministry is loving and caring for the people around me…and letting them care for me.
I will never minister out of obligation again. Thank you, Jesus. I don’t need ministry to be spiritual. I don’t need it for an identity. I do need it like I need air, and like a hawk needs flight. I need to love because Christ has loved me. But that love is a part of me more intrinsic than my blood. The love of Christ will always be with me, always define me, always flow through me. I suppose that could be called ministry…

purging

2007-04-22T04:02:00.000-07:00

This morning I also purged my pictures on my computer. I deleted a bunch that I didn’t like or that were repeated. some of them are quite old…dating back to the first spring break adventure I did with Campus Life…a span of three years…how long three years can seem!my skin smelled like a pool from earlier this morning…and there was an emotionally evocative piece of music playing…I was confronted with memories…places I have been to which I can never return…people I loved who I may never see again…a lost era of my life that I can never reclaim…I idolize the last year I spent in Medford…emboldened by King Street, Satellite, RVF, Campus Life…the height of my church involvement…but the era was not perfect. I had much yet to learn. Healing to experience. I still lived in bondage in many ways. Now that I’ve been away, I’ve been educated. enlightened. challenged. tried. refined. welcomed and healed. I’ve become my own person, free to choose whatever I wish to do, whoever I wish to be, however I wish to feel…Remember Applegate? Remember trips to the lake? Remember sitting in the back of Satellite? Remember Baxter’s? Remember Tuesday night worship? Remember Lake Bradley?I remember so much…but I don’t think enjoyed it all as much as I remember. I don’t usually remember the heartache and lonliness…or I’ve carried it with me and still long for the people I always used to idolize.But they failed me. They were phantoms who always escaped my reach, though staying within my gaze. Brett Anderson. Danny Kerns. Danny Thompson. Brian Koeniger. Carrie Longan. Tyler Jones. Ben Courson. The DeBoers. The Quigleys.They didn’t satisfy. There was no intimacy. They didn’t care. There was no love. Then there was my family…Bentley and Eli, Mitch and Megan, Maggie and Jezzi…the Todds…Cassie and Cassie…Eddie, Tanner, Kade, and Jordan…there was much more satisfaction there because I cared about them more than myself. I entered those relationships hoping to give and to serve…which mentality had its own unhealthy imbalances…but even being unhealthy, was so much more satisfying……perhaps I’ve strayed from a large part of my identity in straying from serving…but whoever I am or am not, I know that the phantoms of my past will not save or satisfy me. More likely, they will be my bondage. I know much more fully that I will only be satisfied in Christ.In Christ I am saved.In Christ I have life.In Christ I am a son, and a highly favored heir.In Christ, I have freedomChrist my savior is approachable; intimacy is possible.In Christ, I am righteous and acceptable.In Christ, I find a fullness to life.in Christ, I matter…oh there’s more…so much more that I can’t yet articulate! so much more that I want to discover! so many more ways that I want to grow…so many ways that the Lord has already blessed me above and beyond what I can imagine…if I can just open my eyes and see what is already there…