what else do you do when you're at school but not in school?

There's this urge i have every now and then, kind of like an itch at the back of your neck right where your shirt pulls at your neck hair. it starts out small and either tolerable, or your just decide that you're man or woman enough to ignore it and move on with life. but it just keeps pulling at you and agravating the skin, making you first shift your shoulders, then contort your neck, then you pull at your shirt from the front. that failing, you reach up and press down on the entire back-of-neck-collar area with the palm of your hand and give it a firm circular rub. the itch goes away for a while and you think you're victorious! you move on with life and decide to breath a sigh of relief. but just when you expand your chest to draw in a deep breath of God's life-giving air, the sudden change in body posture pulls at the shirt, connected to the collar which has once again gotten entangled in a stray rebellious neck-hair and that one single hair is pulled, it's arector pili muscle strained beyond its limit, the adjacent epidermal layer aggravated and suddenly you feel pain. at that point, there is little to do but rip off one's shirt and howl like and angry banshee.
What the #%&* is a banshee anyway?
Said itch, also known as the urge, being cast as a shirt, is now being indulged. i am blogging. woot. and for lack of anything more profound to say with no time to be mindful or ponderous, and being away from the comforts of my own upper room, i've decided to follow the format set by other cool folk among my facebook friends and doll out 25 random facts about myself.
i am rhys, your charming, innappropriate, idealistically cynical friend. these...are my facts.
current facts too. there will be no history in this blog.
1. my favorite radio stations lately have been KUFO, Z100, and 107.5
2. I decided to follow the tv series Friday Night Lights and Battlestar Galactica...these are in addition to HEROES and LOST.
3. My body is slowly losing the capacity to comfortably process animal products. Fish and eggs and cheese are still ok and when i have cereal, i prefer rice milk.
4. I no longer own my own car, but I do have a nice UNIVEGA road bike, and lots of the time, i take the MAX anyway.
5. Next time i sit down with it, I will be working on chapter 8 of my book, a story which has been swimming in my head for over five years now.
6. my goal is to bench my weight by the end of the conventional school year. i am about 35 pounds away from said goal.
7. i don't like the cold. i don't like the snow. i like wind, but not when it's below freezing. i can handle months and months and months of gloomy clouds and experience...mmm...minimal depressive side effects, but after a week of below-freezing temperatures, my entire person is drained of nearly all will to live. this statement has been dramatized to generate sympathy.
8. i recently went to my first theatre audition. it was with imago theatre and i was delighted to get a call back. nothing yet has come out of it, but i will know more within the week.
9. speed dials on my phone...2-my wife, 3-nics, 4-krispin, 5-andy vogt, 6-adina, 7-jairus, 8-bentley, 9-danny lemay, 10-JT, 11-Seth.
10. my first presidential vote was for Obama.
11. i currently have no piercings or tattoos and do not smoke.
12. i do not own an ipod of my own.
13. last movie i saw in theaters was Bride Wars. Last book i completed was A Storm of Swords. I don't remember the last song i heard on the radio and the one in my head now i don't know the name of, nor do i really like it. Last music compilation i listened to at home though was 30 Seconds to Mars, self-titled album.
14. i don't like squash in any variation...except small bits of zuchinni in a stir fry.
15. i would rather go without food than go without sleep.
16. i must confess...i get easily bored at church.
17. Lately all i drink at work is espresso and iced tea.
18. i don't usually like shopping unless i can spend money. (this will make sense to some people)
19. i've come to really appreciate more modern art, ie those artists and mediums which utilize all types of materials and/or objects to communicate ideas both concrete and abstract in creative, surprising, and shocking ways. my recent favorite is in the Seattle Art Museum. http://www.prostamerika.com/images/SeattleAttractions/SAM/SomeOne200.png hopefully this link works...it's this massive jacket of chain mail made entirely of dog tags...when you walk up to it, you can see your own reflection in it.
20. The first song on Linkin Park's Minutes to Midnight album is the first song which i started singing to myself on some occasion and did not censor the profanity.
21. lately my favorite restaurant is Dragonfish.
22. last good friends i got to see in person were Jairus, Aletha, Juriah, and Yoshi.
23. i still have never seen Dumb and Dumber, Forest Gump, or Castaway. these films are not necessarily related in any way, they are just the first ones i could think of.
24. at the moment i have full scruff and a pseudo faux-hawk...
25. favorite characters on my favorite shows are...Sawyer, Riggins, Parkman, Starbuck, Niles, and Kyle. 1,000 cool points and a hug to anyone who can match all the characters to their show. :)

and...

twenty-five years i've done what i was told.

i've been good.

i've done safe.

and what have i got to show for it?

ten years i am torn in two.  i am speaking of my sexuality.  my faith says to do one thing and my body cries out to do another.  

   why am i still fighting?  

       why do i let myself be torn?

once i used to dream.

once i aspired to great things.  or to at least be more than ordinary.

   why do i still dream?

   dreams only crash and burn.

i always run.

i always hide.

i always find a way to escape.

   irgo the books.  the shows.  the fantasies.

i've done everything i was told and done everything right...why am i still so lonely?

   all i want is to belong to something that matters...

this is a response that i don't want to lose

Why a note? Why not a conversation? Well, several reasons. First, I can think better when I’m alone. I can better articulate my thoughts and make sure what I have said is exactly what I wanted to say. Secondly, I feel bold enough to speak now. Thirdly, if I don’t articulate my thoughts in some way now, they will swim in my head all day which is very emotionally painful for me. Also, after having angry thoughts swimming in my head all day, I am still angry at the end of the day. This way, I will have said what I feel early in the morning. By the time I see you tonight, I will have cooled down and am less likely to still be angry with you.

My expectation though is that we will speak face to face when we are both home from work. I don’t really want to get in the habit of arguing in writing.

Last night you said that we together needed to learn new things to talk about, or that we together should get a divorce…or that I alone should get over my insecurities. I said that I was willing to get over my insecurities, but asked you what you were going to change. you said that love would never ask such a thing. again, I disagree. part of love is not letting the other person continue in a dangerous or unhealthy behavior or thought pattern.

for instance, I point out that you are bitter…implication being that you are bitter and it is bleeding all over the rest of your life and your loved ones, tainting everything like bleach on a black shirt. I point it out for the purpose of saying that this cannot be allowed to continue unchecked.

true…I didn’t actually say all this…I probably should have.

also true, this is a mutual thing. I have bitterness in my heart as well…which you have pointed out…and are welcome to point out. this is a function of love.

This is also why I would not let you touch me last night. You unloaded some serious shit on me last night. I’m telling the truth when I say I’m glad you shared and I’m glad I got to listen in a way that made you feel listened too. And I heard and mulled over what you said. But on the flipside, my entire person is now bruised.

This is why I didn’t believe you when you said you weren’t angry with me. Last night I couldn’t understand how you could leave me emotionally bloody and bruised and not be angry. This morning, I remembered what I myself have said about how anger works…there is tension and build up and finally a release of some sort, at which time the anger has run its course. Like when I threw cups at Krema. Unfortunately for us, in that situation and last night, by the time one of us gets our angry release, they have already caused collateral damage in the other person. So then I cannot allow you to quickly move on and act as if nothing happened. Perhaps last night you spoke in the heat of emotion and were being irrational…that has happened before…and perhaps you will come to me later and apologize for your irrational words. At that point, your apology is accepted and forgiveness can happen. but you still said the words. you are still responsible for the wounds I have today. you may not quickly move on.

There is another unhealthy pattern that I see us both taking part in. I acknowledge that I can only share my perception because I am not in your head. My perception is that you are free to say anything you like, display any emotion you like, complain about anything about me or anything I do whenever you like, and my expected response is to stand there and take it. any type of resistance on my part is received as being mean or not listening. Conversely, I perceive that I am not free to say what I am thinking, not free to display the emotions I am feeling, and not free to complain about things you do or things about you. I perceive this because when I do, your responses are ambiguous to me. They range from rejecting to what I say, to mutely ignoring what I say, to sometimes apologetically agreeing with me…and I never know what to expect.

So now this is the part that I don’t expect you to read, but I still need to write. I need to process a few of the things you said outside my head or else they will fester in me all day. You don’t have to read anymore.

First of all, the movie last night. I am not responsible for what Charlie and Amber or Rob and Amber do, nor am i to blame when they don’t show up for something they said they would.

Also about the movie last night. I have a favor to ask of you. Please remember not to put me on the spot and ask me to make a decision I’m not ready for and don’t have time to process. And if you do, then remember not to resent me for my decision later.

Also about the movie last night. If it’s something you’ve been looking forward to all week, then please say something sooner than Sandy and Burnside so that I’m not stuck having unwittingly deprived my wife of something she wanted and now being unable to make it right. That’s manipulation.

Also about the movie last night. I was fine with going, but you were the one who suggested going home as an alternative.

Secondly about birth control. You expressed frustration with spending $10 a month on birth control when we don’t have sex. Well…historically our sex life hinges largely on whether you are in the mood for it or not. Sometimes neither of us has mood or time…and there is the rare occasion when I’m not in the mood when you are. But there have been so many nights when I have fallen asleep crying inside because we are prevented from having sex yet again by…whatever it was that night. Anyway, my point is this; please remember that I want to have sex with you.

And finally about where we live. You don’t like it because it’s far from your city. I feel very frustrated to hear you say this because you picked this spot. You wanted this apartment complex. Please remember not to blame me for this one.

----------------
Now playing: Nickel Creek - Best Of Luck
via FoxyTunes

Lent. Days 1-2

February 6, 2008
Chronicles of Lent
I’ve never observed Lent before. Truthfully, I’m not exactly sure what it’s all about. I think it has Catholic origins…
Anyway, I thought it would be healthy to journal through forty days of purposeful abstention, just in case I learn something.
So then, for LENT 2008, I, Michael Rhys Pasimio, have chosen to give up caffeine in the forms of coffee and chai.
The first day hasn’t been so hard…but then perhaps the chemical hasn’t been thoroughly purged from my system yet. Tomorrow will probably not be fun.
Why give something up? Why abstain? Why go through the process of disciplining one’s body and/or mind?
I think what I don’t want to do, is to abstain legalistically or meaninglessly. I don’t want this to just be a random 40 day stunt that I pull in which I torture my body and possibly by consequence, the beloved people around me.
Is there a purpose to the discipline?
So then I’ve decided to take it one step farther and commit the experience to the Lord. I choose to abstain from coffee and chai as an offering to Him because I love Him.
Enter, the spiritual warfare aspect of it all.
The next 39 days may not be so easy…

Thought question of the day: would you rather have people speak badly of you, or forget about you entirely?

February 7, 2008
Day 2 of Lent.
Day 2 without coffee or chai, however I do allow myself whatever caffeine may be in certain teas.
I also heard that yerba mate has a lot of caffeine in it…which surprised me….but then maybe I should have known this…
I did not get my full dosage of sleep last night…and I got up before 3:00 am…I suppose a benefit of all this is that I am forced to A) rely on the Lord to hold me up, B) take better care of myself, or C), do both.
Work went pretty smoothly. I work at Starbucks and, for Starbucks, my store is pretty nice. It’s smaller and slower and has more of a coffee shop feel then another appendage of a green empire…
Towards then end though I started getting really hungry, which doesn’t always happen. I will usually feel weak or nauseous…then I will drink a lot of something and feel better. Today, I actually felt hunger. My peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the way home was really good…
I also had my first headache today…but it was after I got home and was reading my bible and praying that my head started hurting.

How do I live as one who is forgiven? This is something I’ve been asking myself for a week or so now. I’m just starting to really understand who I am, and just starting to understand what it means for Christ to be my identity…but that’s where I’m stumped now because I wonder…what next? How does that actually affect my life?
Why am I timid around people who love me? This is another question that I’m starting to articulate…because I realize that I’m surrounded by people who love me so thoroughly…and a lot of people who like me a lot…and yet I have difficulty unconditionally accepting what is unconditionally given. Why is this?
I’m excited for LOST tonight…
Excited to work on HEBREWS this afternoon…
I get to see Bentley tomorrow… My challenge then will be to remember that he’s just about an adult now, and I have to relate to him differently then when I left him three years ago.

I opened up a discussion in lab about shaping events, and it quickly went much deeper than I imagined it would…I don’t think in a negative way…but I was surprised how open the students were about their lives and broken parts. I felt very honored…

And now I’m going to meet someone at starbucks, but not drink coffee. That will be fun. Maybe I’ll eat a scone or something…

pangs of dreams

today i am one class day away from completing my second to last semester at multnomah.
i'm tired...i'm bored...
i'm eager to be married in the summer. i'm eager to settle into something resembling a routine...
the tentative plan is for tawn to go to grad school for a teaching degree, then for me to go to grad school, also for a teaching degree. it's a good plan, one i'm willing to do, and i'd probably enjoy it.
i don't really want to be a teacher.
i mean i do...i mean i could do it and it woudl be satisfying and enriching...and it would be stable income...
...but i really want to be a performer. i'm an artist and i want to engage with an art form. probably some mixture of writing and painting and photography and theatre. i really want to try theatre and acting.
i want to perform. i don't know how to do this skillfully or safely, but this is the passion that i have thus far neglected.
a couple months ago, i was talking with Stan, the new head of the MBC music department. i wanted to lead a worship team next semester. when he asked me why, i told him honestly that i wanted to hone my performance gifts. and he seemed moderately ok with that...
...but worship music is not the appropriate setting for performance. worship music is abou tgiving an offering to Jesus. the artists invloved should be skillful so as not to be distracting...but that skill should be muted and in the background, also so as not to be distracting.
i've gotten to do worship music before, and i have lately tried very hard to squelch the performer in me. giving an offering to the Lord and facilitating an offering by the people has been hugely satisfying.
...i still want to perform in another setting.
Lord, i don't know what to do with this. i don't want to foolishly hold on to a foolish dream, and i don't want to run down a road that won't lead me to You...
...but i don't know that You're holding me back from this. what if You made me for artistic expression?
i just don't know. i want to take a risk and try some of this stuff, beyond what i'm doing now...what do You say?

dream

i saw my son for the first time last night.
i saw my son in a dream.
first as an infant cradled in her hands. then as a very young child standing with his face to the corner. then as a kid of ten or so...
it was my son! what a beautiful thing! i woke up with an excitement unlike any i've ever known, determined to make the marriage between me and Tawn work out, no matter what.
i speak in presumption for it will be the Lord who works and without Whom all our efforts are wasted. what i mean to say is that whatever my part in the whole adventure is, i will invest in it fully.
one of my best friends told me in an e-mail last night that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend...this news as well left me with an uncanny sense of excitement.
in a week, i'll be at the airport, pacing or something, waiting for my flight to leave, my first flight out of the country, the continent, even the hemisphere. i feel a surreal excitement because it's my first time...someday i hope to travel enough so that it's exciting, but in a normal sort of way.

patterns of growth

Thoughts and patterns for me to keep in mind…

I don’t need to compare myself to other guys.
I don’t need to compare me and Tawn to other couples.
I can be who I am because who I am is ok.
God made me unique, God made me good enough.
I can like what I like.

My opinion is valid.
My unique self is good enough.
I can stand up for myself. I don’t have to play defensively.

I am grown up. I am a man. I am a unique man and that is ok.

I am not in competition with anyone.
Mistakes are not terminal.
I can take as much time as I need to learn what I need to learn because I’m not competing with anyone.

Conflict is not bad…though it can be messy work.
I can be angry. I must express my anger, but must do it cautiously because it’s easy to hurt people with my anger.
God values people, therefore I ought to show them mercy…which He will help me to do.

I don’t need to help everyone.
I can’t help everyone.

My center is Christ. This encapsulates identity, confidence, and security.
I am a priest.
I am skillfully created in His image, to reflect His image.
God’s Spirit inhabits me, one of His temples.
I always have liberty to speak with God.
I can speak with authority.
I can engage with God in my own unique way.

I do not have to live in the past.
I can say good-bye.

Artistic expression is valid, legitimate, and important.
My art ought not be compared with the art of others.

I am safe to feel my feelings with Tawn.
I am safe to express myself to her.
Her emotions are hers and mine are mine. They are separate and can be different.
I must validate her experiences and opinions.
I must put her needs first.
Tanya is a person, not a prize. She is also uniquely created in the image of God to reflect His image and ought not be compared with other unique creations.

Touch is not bad…just potent.
I am not afraid of my sexuality.
I can learn.
I can change.
I can allow myself to be wrong.
I can apologize and reconcile with people.

I need God.
I need people.

Be quick to bless the Lord, especially in the midst of chaos. This doesn’t resolve circumstances, but it does put me in a proper relationship with the Lord. He enables me to survive the situation without being crushed.